[ It's fine that Lalli doesn't want more -- more for him. At least he doesn't resort to drinking straight out of the bottle like he wants to. Silence settles for a bit as he pours himself a third cup. The familiar warmth burns his stomach and flushes his cheeks slightly. Maybe now... ]
About what ya saw...That guy was a friend'a mine. 'Til he turned his back on our cause. [ Not really the truth, but it's the truth as Izō saw it. Their paths simply diverted; Ryouma had greater ambitions than that of the Sonnō Joi. It still stung like abandonment to Izō, though. ] We grew up together, so we were thick as thieves, y'know? He was th'only one that ever had a fuckin' nice thing to say 'bout me...
[Definitely an acquired taste. At least Lalli isn't at risk of becoming an alcoholic.
Also sure, that's absolutely a light conversation over a drink and not an admission of deep pain. Lalli will try his best not to be as abrasive as he normally can be.]
Oh.
...what cause? Was it dangerous?
[It makes no difference but Lalli is a little confused as to what a "cause" would even be. He's imagining it as like a dangerous mission that this friend gave up on, leaving Izo high and dry.]
[ How the hell to even explain the political mess he was a part of and didn't quite fully understand himself...? The Tosa Kinnoto eventually erased his name from the records, anyway...But still. He'll try his best. ]
Well...We were a part of a group that was loyal to the emperor and wanted to make sure he stayed in power. Keep the foreigners outta power and outta th' country. I dunno much 'bout the finer details 'cause that wasn't my problem. I was jus' there to kill who I was told to kill.
[ As casual as anything. ]
He ditched us 'cause he had bigger goals. I never really understood it...Never really got why he left us behind. [ He died before he could see what Ryouma had been working towards. ] But...Even though he did that, I know he never woulda said any of that shit to me.
[ Or maybe he's lying to himself again. Time for another drink to bury that trauma deeper. ]
[Ah. Political stuff. Things like that have never been a big deal to Lalli. Finland got hit the worst out of everyone when the Rash came through, so it's been focused more on surviving than anything. He can't even think of any specific leader for the whole country. Just mayors, or the head of a town or a base or something. Power means little when there's little to have power over.
But it sounds important to Izo, so he nods along with Izo's story. And the end part is something he gets pretty easily: Izo feels betrayed by someone who left. Lalli's memories briefly flash to Tuuri, but he pushes those thoughts away. That was entirely different from this.]
If a youkai is making us see each other's memories, then it's probably making them worse than they were.
[Something something Izo's projecting his worries and fears onto his memories of Ryouma. But Lalli doesn't quite have the words to explain that idea.]
Tuuri and I left our group. Not because we disagreed with them, but because Tuuri wanted to join an expedition into the Silent World. And after that was over, I never went back. But it wasn't because I disagreed with the military at Keruu, it was because I found something else to do.
Maybe your friend was the same.
[It's the best way he can think of to explain it. Telling examples from his own life is way easier than just explaining an idea.]
[ Embarrassment strikes him suddenly. Why is he telling any of this to Lalli...? He should've just kept it to himself again, let that memory he saw always be a mystery. It's so much easier to keep people away than it is to let them in.
He stares down in his empty cup. Similarly, it's easier to talk about this if he doesn't look at Lalli. He might be right, that was probably the reason Ryouma drifted away -- his ideas went beyond anything the Tosa Kinnoto could've done. It didn't make the perceived slight any less painful, though. ]
...Maybe. I jus' wonder what woulda happened if I'd followed along with him instead stickin' to what I knew. [ He still would've been killed for his role in numerous assassinations, certainly, but maybe he wouldn't have been so hungry in his final days. ] Eh, Ryouma was better off without me, anyway.
[ Time to turn his attention elsewhere. ]
Didn't think ya were th' military type, so no wonder ya found somethin' else t'do.
[No need to be embarrassed, Izo. Lalli is actually a good listener, even if it's just because he doesn't talk as much. Though recently he's been finding more reasons to talk, which has been really weird for him. Maybe it's because he's actually starting to care about how Izo feels, and he wants to try and make him feel better. Even if he doesn't quite know how.
Maybe just talking and listening is enough. Especially when Izo says something like all of that, and Lalli is struck by how similar they really are.]
If you're friends, then he probably still thinks about you. Friends don't forget each other, even over long distances and lots of time.
[As for the rest, he shrugs.]
We didn't have anywhere else to go. Onni got at job with them as a scout, and he told them me and Tuuri had to come too. We were too little to work, so they started training us instead. Tuuri learned languages and mechanical stuff, I learned how to be a scout like Onni.
[ Izō couldn't know whether it was true or not -- he died a few years before Ryouma did -- but Lalli wasn't wrong. The only person that mourned his death, whether he knew it or not, was Ryouma. It's easier for Izō to think that he just stopped caring when they went their separate ways. ]
Yeah, well...Maybe. Ain't like I'm gonna see him again t'find out...It's a nice thought, at least.
[ Another drink to bury those feelings as deep as he can again. The once full bottle of sake is nearly empty now.
Lalli's story gives him pause. ]
Wait...Too little? How old were ya?
[ Izō was just 18 when he'd started his more formal training, but something told him Lalli had been even younger than that. ]
[He nods, accepting that answer. They're stuck here, so unless Ryouma comes to this world Izo will never find that answer anyway. It's better to move forward and find a place here than get caught up in the past.
Lalli is still working on that. The nightmares of Tuuri's death are less frequent now.]
Eight. And Tuuri was ten. Onni was older, he was already sixteen, so he could work. But they made me train at the school until I was twelve before they let me go and scout in the woods by the base.
It was so stupid. I had been going on scouting trips with Grandma since I was six, I already knew what to do. I had even been to the Silent World before! But they said I had to get trained in THEIR ways of scouting before I could go out on my own.
[ Eight. Eight?? He knows that it's a different world and society is right fucked and all that, but eight?! Izō almost spits out his mouthful of sake and almost misses the rest of his complaints entirely because he's too caught up on the fact Lalli was eight years old. ]
Eight?! They started trainin' ya at eight?! I was fuckin' around with a sword by myself at that age, no one was 'bout to train me for it!
[ A lot of things started making sense, though. ]
Jeez, no wonder you're as good as you are at what ya do, huh?
[Lalli in turn seems surprised by Izo's protests there. He's spent so long training and working that he never really considered that it might not be a normal life.]
It was a military base, and food is always carefully portioned. You don't work, you don't eat. Especially since I'm immune to the Rash, they wanted me ready to work as soon as possible.
[ He's just the right level of drunk for this conversation, at least. Lalli's explanation makes perfect sense and, on some level, he knew it was because of the state of the world he's from. He can't shake just how absurd that idea is, though. ]
Yeah, I guess that makes sense and all, but eight's still so fuckin' young. Can't imagine workin' at that age. I left home to train when I was 18...
[ He leaves out the later milestones of his first assassination in his early 20s and his death at age 27. Not important right now. ]
[It's probably for the best to leave out the 'death' part all together around Lalli, that might actually trigger another breakdown in him depending on how he learns about it.]
But you're way stronger than me, and really good with a sword. How did you learn that so fast?
[He's assuming Izo is close to Onni's age, which isn't actually that far off.]
[ Lucky for Lalli, he has no interest in explaining what a Servant is; talking about his own death would eventually lead down the path of just how the hell he's aware of that and other strange things he knows. A topic to completely avoid for practical reasons.
Izō practically puffs up at his praises, though. If there's one thing he's proud of, it's his swordsmanship. ]
I've always been good with a sword ever since I picked one up. I was called a genius of the sword because I could memorize any move just seein' it once. It's nothin' for me. [ His smile turns almost sad for a moment. ] Ryouma was th' one t'say it first....We were jus' kids, but...hey, he wasn't wrong.
[ It gave him something to focus on, something to work towards. A way of proving himself when he came from almost nothing. It's all he had going for him, so he had to be good at it. ]
['You should specify that you kill those monsters from your world, not people.'
'Why would I need to specify that?'
'...Child.'
Suddenly Lalli seems a bit annoyed. But the sudden onset after a brief lull in conversation is probably familiar by now, given the sheer amount of body-sharing in this city.]
'Kissa' says I should tell you I'm good at killing trolls, not people. It's stupid, why would a person kill another person if they didn't have to? We've only ever had to do that when an infected person turned up during their quarantine.
[ A familiar lull, really. After some unfortunate incidents, he's learned to keep his arguments with Karasu inside his head finally.
Izō averts his gaze for a moment. They come from two different worlds and that's never been more evident than now. He hesitates to answer, if only because he's suddenly worried that the truth will push Lalli away. Who wants to be friends with a manslayer, anyway? Who should be friends with one at all? ]
...I never told ya what I do, did I? [ Maybe it's the alcohol or maybe it's his desire to rip the bandaid off and put an end to the silly fantasy he could ever have friends -- whichever it is, he barrels forward with the truth. ] ...I killed people for a livin'. They called me Manslayer Izō back in Tosa.
[That awkward pause is Lalli realizing just how different their worlds are. Attacking other humans like that is pointless as far as he is considered, because there's so few people left in the Known World anyway. Why kill one of a couple hundred thousand? That will just end humanity sooner.]
Why?
[No judgement, just curiosity and a desire to understand his friend.]
[ Lalli is still here and still curious -- he's grateful for that, but also a little confused. Whatever, may as well keep talking. ]
...Yeah and 'cause I'm good at it. I killed a bunch'a important people in th' name of divine punishment. [ "Tenchu", the rallying cry of those allied with Takechi Hanpeita. ] A few of 'em were from when I was a bodyguard, though.
[ He huffs a short laugh through his nose. ]
Endin' one life so another can live...Kinda fucked up, huh?
[Lalli has seen people like Izo before. They were so excited to be out there killing trolls and clearing the land of any trace of the Rash. Lalli doesn't quite understand that attitude himself, personally. He kills trolls and exorcises ghosts, but he doesn't get any enjoyment from it. It's just a job, like how you have to wash your clothes or cook your food. It's not something done for fun, you do it because you have to.
But even though he doesn't get it, it's still something that is important to Izo. So.]
We had to do that sometimes, if someone was sick with the Rash. I guess it's a little messed up. But you do it because you have to, right? For bodyguarding, or divine punishment.
[ Izō isn't very smart and those he worked for used that to their advantage. It's easy to get him to do what you want if you're enthusiastic enough and give him enough praise. He's not that different from a particularly violent dog, really. ]
Yeah...Not like I was good at anythin' else. Had to do somethin' to eat, y'know?
[ And there goes to last of the sake bottle. For once, he doesn't feel miserable...Talking with Lalli is nice. He occupies a space no one else has managed to get to yet. To think he'd talk so openly about his life instead of keeping someone at arm's length. ]
Sorry for, uh, the whole threatenin' ya thing... [ Because he hadn't properly apologized for that whole mess. ] Ya got nothin' to fear from me like that ever again...In fact, ya ever need someone or somethin' dealt with...Jus' say th' word.
[It's why he's a scout, after all: it's something he's good at, and it lets him eat. It's a perfectly valid reason to choose a specific job.
And sometimes it's easiest to deal with your problems by talking them through with someone else. Especially if that someone else proves to be an effective sounding board.
Izo finishes the whole bottle in the time it takes Lalli to finish one cup, which is about the right speed in his mind. He'll set the cup down as Izo finishes his own drink.]
You threatened me because you were being attacked. Anyone would have done it, it's not your fault.
[Is he trying to comfort Izo there? It's hard to tell. Lalli can be blunt with his words sometimes, so it's hard to know if this is him just saying his opinions or if he's trying to be helpful. It's probably a bit of both.
But regardless, he's being honest here: there's no hard feelings over what happened in the dream.]
But if I need help, I'll ask.
[He'll try to ask. He's still learning about that 'speak up' part. Usually when he does ask for help, it's when he's drowning in problems. Maybe someday he'll learn to speak up before then.]
[ No hard feelings is good. Alienating his currently only friend is the last thing he wants to do. Izō reaches out and ... stops before punching Lalli in the shoulder in an affection gesture. Instead, he draws his fist back with a little grin. That's what he offered before, right? ]
Even if ya don't ask...If I know you're in trouble, I'll do whatever I can t'help.
[What is it with people and the shoulder-punching? He's lost count of how many times that has happened, and nobody ever did explain it to him. But Izo stops short, and Lalli lifts his own fist to tap it against Izo's.]
If I'm in trouble, everyone is in trouble.
[He's just stating that out loud since his usual MO is to avoid trouble entirely.]
[ Violence is all he knows and that's just a form of violent affection, isn't it? ]
Yeah, yeah...With th' way ya run off at the first sign of it and all.
[ This whole little talk has been...nice, really. Izō half-expected to be a mess by the end of it, given his issues speaking frankly about his emotions and his past. Much better than most nights he drinks a bottle of sake by himself. ]
...This place ain't so bad with someone like you here.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 01:56 am (UTC)Acquired taste.
[ It's fine that Lalli doesn't want more -- more for him. At least he doesn't resort to drinking straight out of the bottle like he wants to. Silence settles for a bit as he pours himself a third cup. The familiar warmth burns his stomach and flushes his cheeks slightly. Maybe now... ]
About what ya saw...That guy was a friend'a mine. 'Til he turned his back on our cause. [ Not really the truth, but it's the truth as Izō saw it. Their paths simply diverted; Ryouma had greater ambitions than that of the Sonnō Joi. It still stung like abandonment to Izō, though. ] We grew up together, so we were thick as thieves, y'know? He was th'only one that ever had a fuckin' nice thing to say 'bout me...
[ Just some light conversation over a drink.]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 02:14 am (UTC)Also sure, that's absolutely a light conversation over a drink and not an admission of deep pain. Lalli will try his best not to be as abrasive as he normally can be.]
Oh.
...what cause? Was it dangerous?
[It makes no difference but Lalli is a little confused as to what a "cause" would even be. He's imagining it as like a dangerous mission that this friend gave up on, leaving Izo high and dry.]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 02:24 am (UTC)Well...We were a part of a group that was loyal to the emperor and wanted to make sure he stayed in power. Keep the foreigners outta power and outta th' country. I dunno much 'bout the finer details 'cause that wasn't my problem. I was jus' there to kill who I was told to kill.
[ As casual as anything. ]
He ditched us 'cause he had bigger goals. I never really understood it...Never really got why he left us behind. [ He died before he could see what Ryouma had been working towards. ] But...Even though he did that, I know he never woulda said any of that shit to me.
[ Or maybe he's lying to himself again. Time for another drink to bury that trauma deeper. ]
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Date: 2021-01-13 02:38 am (UTC)But it sounds important to Izo, so he nods along with Izo's story. And the end part is something he gets pretty easily: Izo feels betrayed by someone who left. Lalli's memories briefly flash to Tuuri, but he pushes those thoughts away. That was entirely different from this.]
If a youkai is making us see each other's memories, then it's probably making them worse than they were.
[Something something Izo's projecting his worries and fears onto his memories of Ryouma. But Lalli doesn't quite have the words to explain that idea.]
Tuuri and I left our group. Not because we disagreed with them, but because Tuuri wanted to join an expedition into the Silent World. And after that was over, I never went back. But it wasn't because I disagreed with the military at Keruu, it was because I found something else to do.
Maybe your friend was the same.
[It's the best way he can think of to explain it. Telling examples from his own life is way easier than just explaining an idea.]
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Date: 2021-01-13 03:08 am (UTC)He stares down in his empty cup. Similarly, it's easier to talk about this if he doesn't look at Lalli. He might be right, that was probably the reason Ryouma drifted away -- his ideas went beyond anything the Tosa Kinnoto could've done. It didn't make the perceived slight any less painful, though. ]
...Maybe. I jus' wonder what woulda happened if I'd followed along with him instead stickin' to what I knew. [ He still would've been killed for his role in numerous assassinations, certainly, but maybe he wouldn't have been so hungry in his final days. ] Eh, Ryouma was better off without me, anyway.
[ Time to turn his attention elsewhere. ]
Didn't think ya were th' military type, so no wonder ya found somethin' else t'do.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 03:22 am (UTC)Maybe just talking and listening is enough. Especially when Izo says something like all of that, and Lalli is struck by how similar they really are.]
If you're friends, then he probably still thinks about you. Friends don't forget each other, even over long distances and lots of time.
[As for the rest, he shrugs.]
We didn't have anywhere else to go. Onni got at job with them as a scout, and he told them me and Tuuri had to come too. We were too little to work, so they started training us instead. Tuuri learned languages and mechanical stuff, I learned how to be a scout like Onni.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 03:54 am (UTC)Yeah, well...Maybe. Ain't like I'm gonna see him again t'find out...It's a nice thought, at least.
[ Another drink to bury those feelings as deep as he can again. The once full bottle of sake is nearly empty now.
Lalli's story gives him pause. ]
Wait...Too little? How old were ya?
[ Izō was just 18 when he'd started his more formal training, but something told him Lalli had been even younger than that. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 04:06 am (UTC)Lalli is still working on that. The nightmares of Tuuri's death are less frequent now.]
Eight. And Tuuri was ten. Onni was older, he was already sixteen, so he could work. But they made me train at the school until I was twelve before they let me go and scout in the woods by the base.
It was so stupid. I had been going on scouting trips with Grandma since I was six, I already knew what to do. I had even been to the Silent World before! But they said I had to get trained in THEIR ways of scouting before I could go out on my own.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 04:32 am (UTC)Eight?! They started trainin' ya at eight?! I was fuckin' around with a sword by myself at that age, no one was 'bout to train me for it!
[ A lot of things started making sense, though. ]
Jeez, no wonder you're as good as you are at what ya do, huh?
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 04:42 am (UTC)It was a military base, and food is always carefully portioned. You don't work, you don't eat. Especially since I'm immune to the Rash, they wanted me ready to work as soon as possible.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 04:58 am (UTC)Yeah, I guess that makes sense and all, but eight's still so fuckin' young. Can't imagine workin' at that age. I left home to train when I was 18...
[ He leaves out the later milestones of his first assassination in his early 20s and his death at age 27. Not important right now. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 05:05 am (UTC)But you're way stronger than me, and really good with a sword. How did you learn that so fast?
[He's assuming Izo is close to Onni's age, which isn't actually that far off.]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 05:24 am (UTC)Izō practically puffs up at his praises, though. If there's one thing he's proud of, it's his swordsmanship. ]
I've always been good with a sword ever since I picked one up. I was called a genius of the sword because I could memorize any move just seein' it once. It's nothin' for me. [ His smile turns almost sad for a moment. ] Ryouma was th' one t'say it first....We were jus' kids, but...hey, he wasn't wrong.
[ It gave him something to focus on, something to work towards. A way of proving himself when he came from almost nothing. It's all he had going for him, so he had to be good at it. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 05:30 am (UTC)A sword is good. It's quiet and doesn't use ammunition. It's a very good weapon for killing trolls.
Can you learn anything by seeing it once? Not just fighting?
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 05:44 am (UTC)[ If he'd been more disciplined and trained in a particular school, he may have been famous for his swordmanship and not just his assassinations. ]
I ain't good at much else but fightin' and killin'.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 05:50 am (UTC)['You should specify that you kill those monsters from your world, not people.'
'Why would I need to specify that?'
'...Child.'
Suddenly Lalli seems a bit annoyed. But the sudden onset after a brief lull in conversation is probably familiar by now, given the sheer amount of body-sharing in this city.]
'Kissa' says I should tell you I'm good at killing trolls, not people. It's stupid, why would a person kill another person if they didn't have to? We've only ever had to do that when an infected person turned up during their quarantine.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 05:59 am (UTC)Izō averts his gaze for a moment. They come from two different worlds and that's never been more evident than now. He hesitates to answer, if only because he's suddenly worried that the truth will push Lalli away. Who wants to be friends with a manslayer, anyway? Who should be friends with one at all? ]
...I never told ya what I do, did I? [ Maybe it's the alcohol or maybe it's his desire to rip the bandaid off and put an end to the silly fantasy he could ever have friends -- whichever it is, he barrels forward with the truth. ] ...I killed people for a livin'. They called me Manslayer Izō back in Tosa.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 06:27 am (UTC)[That awkward pause is Lalli realizing just how different their worlds are. Attacking other humans like that is pointless as far as he is considered, because there's so few people left in the Known World anyway. Why kill one of a couple hundred thousand? That will just end humanity sooner.]
Why?
[No judgement, just curiosity and a desire to understand his friend.]
Was it because people ordered you to?
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 06:25 pm (UTC)...Yeah and 'cause I'm good at it. I killed a bunch'a important people in th' name of divine punishment. [ "Tenchu", the rallying cry of those allied with Takechi Hanpeita. ] A few of 'em were from when I was a bodyguard, though.
[ He huffs a short laugh through his nose. ]
Endin' one life so another can live...Kinda fucked up, huh?
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 06:33 pm (UTC)But even though he doesn't get it, it's still something that is important to Izo. So.]
We had to do that sometimes, if someone was sick with the Rash. I guess it's a little messed up. But you do it because you have to, right? For bodyguarding, or divine punishment.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 07:41 pm (UTC)Yeah...Not like I was good at anythin' else. Had to do somethin' to eat, y'know?
[ And there goes to last of the sake bottle. For once, he doesn't feel miserable...Talking with Lalli is nice. He occupies a space no one else has managed to get to yet. To think he'd talk so openly about his life instead of keeping someone at arm's length. ]
Sorry for, uh, the whole threatenin' ya thing... [ Because he hadn't properly apologized for that whole mess. ] Ya got nothin' to fear from me like that ever again...In fact, ya ever need someone or somethin' dealt with...Jus' say th' word.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 07:58 pm (UTC)[It's why he's a scout, after all: it's something he's good at, and it lets him eat. It's a perfectly valid reason to choose a specific job.
And sometimes it's easiest to deal with your problems by talking them through with someone else. Especially if that someone else proves to be an effective sounding board.
Izo finishes the whole bottle in the time it takes Lalli to finish one cup, which is about the right speed in his mind. He'll set the cup down as Izo finishes his own drink.]
You threatened me because you were being attacked. Anyone would have done it, it's not your fault.
[Is he trying to comfort Izo there? It's hard to tell. Lalli can be blunt with his words sometimes, so it's hard to know if this is him just saying his opinions or if he's trying to be helpful. It's probably a bit of both.
But regardless, he's being honest here: there's no hard feelings over what happened in the dream.]
But if I need help, I'll ask.
[He'll try to ask. He's still learning about that 'speak up' part. Usually when he does ask for help, it's when he's drowning in problems. Maybe someday he'll learn to speak up before then.]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-13 08:53 pm (UTC)Even if ya don't ask...If I know you're in trouble, I'll do whatever I can t'help.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-14 04:13 am (UTC)If I'm in trouble, everyone is in trouble.
[He's just stating that out loud since his usual MO is to avoid trouble entirely.]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-14 05:35 am (UTC)Yeah, yeah...With th' way ya run off at the first sign of it and all.
[ This whole little talk has been...nice, really. Izō half-expected to be a mess by the end of it, given his issues speaking frankly about his emotions and his past. Much better than most nights he drinks a bottle of sake by himself. ]
...This place ain't so bad with someone like you here.
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