In my life, I messed up when it came to how I grieved. My father died, and I...lost myself. [A shake of the head.] Unlike that time, there's no battles to lose myself in. And I...want to grieve properly. I'm afraid I'll go insane if I don't.
Our last moments define the legacy we leave behind for those who come after us. I don't know about you I'm not going to have my legacy end up being "he was a coward who accepted his death without accomplishing anything of note". If I have to die, I'm going to make it count.
[Oh, that's a deadpan laugh from Mandricardo - his eyes are dark.]
I died in a valiant duel against a man who I thought I could easily defeat. I was mighty, and ferocious, and fought with all my skills.
[...]
And then I died even after all of that, even after using all my strength, and it didn't mean a thing. My legacy was nothing. It's nothing. So "our last moments define the legacy we leave behind...?" What is that crap?
You say that, but I never knew you as a human. I only know you as you are now. And all I'm going to remember- assuming I outlive you- is what you've done here.
[Maybe suffering will make everything better, somehow. He doesn't know. It's just telling himself, over and over, that somehow, he needs to make up for everything he isn't.]
I...I don't want to let anyone down, Lalli. But I'm so scared, every moment of every day, that I will.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2021-07-12 04:49 am (UTC)[he is]
[genuinely confused]
[he has literally no ic idea about lalli and kon i am crying]
I-I'm sorry. I'm just...thinking about him. I shouldn't have brought it up.
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Date: 2021-07-12 04:51 am (UTC)No, it's fine. You miss him, right? So you should talk about him. People don't really 'die' until the living stop talking about them anyway.
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Date: 2021-07-12 04:55 am (UTC)[There's a long pause.]
In my life, I messed up when it came to how I grieved. My father died, and I...lost myself. [A shake of the head.] Unlike that time, there's no battles to lose myself in. And I...want to grieve properly. I'm afraid I'll go insane if I don't.
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Date: 2021-07-12 05:00 am (UTC)[Lalli no that's not healthy at all.
Though the way he's speaking with such authority on the subject of "loved ones dying" might be concerning.]
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Date: 2021-07-12 05:01 am (UTC)I actually...think that might be worse, Lalli. It may seem like its easier, I think, but...it hurts worse when you dig it up.
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Date: 2021-07-12 05:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-07-12 05:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-07-12 05:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-07-12 05:18 am (UTC)I just expect him to pop up with that dumb look on his face like. Pretending he's not dead. Even though I know he is.
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Date: 2021-07-12 05:23 am (UTC)[The one thing saving Lalli from a complete mental breakdown here: the fact that the dead might not actually be fully dead.]
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Date: 2021-07-12 05:37 am (UTC)And what if we mess up and that doesn't happen?
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Date: 2021-07-12 05:51 am (UTC)[It's hard not to regard death so lightly when you're from a death world.]
We all die. What's important is making your death matter.
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Date: 2021-07-13 02:12 pm (UTC)In a place like this, does our death even matter, Lalli?
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Date: 2021-07-13 11:11 pm (UTC)[He says that immediately, and firmly.]
Our last moments define the legacy we leave behind for those who come after us. I don't know about you I'm not going to have my legacy end up being "he was a coward who accepted his death without accomplishing anything of note". If I have to die, I'm going to make it count.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-13 11:15 pm (UTC)[Oh, that's a deadpan laugh from Mandricardo - his eyes are dark.]
I died in a valiant duel against a man who I thought I could easily defeat. I was mighty, and ferocious, and fought with all my skills.
[...]
And then I died even after all of that, even after using all my strength, and it didn't mean a thing. My legacy was nothing. It's nothing. So "our last moments define the legacy we leave behind...?" What is that crap?
no subject
Date: 2021-07-13 11:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-07-13 11:19 pm (UTC)I'm just nothing but a magical copy that's fated to disappear soon, anyways.
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Date: 2021-07-13 11:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-07-13 11:48 pm (UTC)[Yeah, maybe there's a point, there.]
I'm just...tired of believing I'm disappointing people.
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Date: 2021-07-13 11:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-07-14 12:00 am (UTC)[...................]
[.......................................]
N...o?
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Date: 2021-07-14 12:08 am (UTC)[There is a sense of...not sympathy exactly, but understanding. It's fine, it's something he struggles with too.]
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Date: 2021-07-14 12:11 am (UTC)...It's hard not to listen to, sometimes.
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Date: 2021-07-14 12:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-07-14 12:33 am (UTC)[He feels like he deserves it.]
[He feels like he needs to suffer.]
[Maybe suffering will make everything better, somehow. He doesn't know. It's just telling himself, over and over, that somehow, he needs to make up for everything he isn't.]
I...I don't want to let anyone down, Lalli. But I'm so scared, every moment of every day, that I will.
I just...want to do my best.
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