[There's a slight wince in his expression - the echo of an Mandricardo from weeks ago, perhaps, too scared to make people upset. But now, he's just tired. He's very tired.]
I don't think you're a bad person, Lalli. And I'm...really happy for you and Kon.
[He is, sincerely. He still is.]
But what you pulled yesterday was a dumbass move. And I hope you understand that. I get where it was coming from, but...the point stands.
[He kind of gets people feeling strong emotions at the moment, but Lalli is also one who, despite being prickly to strangers, doesn't genuinely hate anyone. And he doesn't understand why one bad weekend (from his point of view) would get this kind of a reaction. Especially if Mandi is saying he doesn't think Lalli is a bad person.]
But I was always told "you don't have to understand the 'why'. Just do it." So if it's what you're saying, I'll listen to you.
...I just.......I'm tired of people walking all over me. I'm tired of people letting themselves be selfish. And that's...not a bad thing. But if they want what they want, and I don't agree with that, I'm tired of making excuses for them. I'm tired of pretending I'm not hurt.
Then be hurt. Say you're hurting. That's okay. It's not selfish to say that.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we ended up in a place where someone had to get hurt, and that I'm the one who made you hurt because of it. And I'm sorry that I can't understand you better than I do. That I can't always see you're hurting just by looking at you, and that sometimes you have to tell me for me to get it.
It's not about you, Lalli! It's about me. It's just about me.
[He shakes his head.]
Imagine if...someone killed Kon. And then because you...felt like you had to, you just shoved everything back! You pretended it was okay! And people just let you feel that, because it was so nice for them not to have to acknowledge that. I was the one who didn't speak up! I was the one who failed myself....I did...
[Lalli tries to keep the thoughts from coming through, but Mandi might be able to catch a stray thought of -they never asked, even after we buried her- before he pinches at the bridge of his nose to chase the thought away. And when he looks to Mandi, it's with a sad sort of acceptance.]
It changed everything. But it was easier to pretend everything was okay than it was to try and communicate through a language barrier.
[He doesn't have to imagine a 'what if' situation here.]
You didn't fail yourself. You were hurting and did what you could to keep going, right? That's not failure, that's survival.
[So Lalli understands that...he gives him a sympathetic look.]
Survival can mean only so much when you're sabotaging yourself every day, Lalli. It feels like I've been cutting off pieces of myself just to make everyone happy.
[And he's done with that. He's become bitter. He doesn't want to be selfless anymore.]
People have their own loved ones. Their own worlds. I'm not going to sacrifice myself anymore just to see if I can be a part of that.
...if you've made up your mind on it then I'll leave it be. I don't want you to cut off pieces of yourself just so we can keep being friends. It's not fair to you.
[He is internally panicking because he has absolutely no idea if he should step in to help Mandi or if this is one of those times he should walk away. His brain is saying "he already told you what to do" and his heart is saying "oh no my friend is crying I have to help".
He might regret it later but for now he's going to listen to his heart, and he pulls the sleeve of his shirt up over his thumb and steps in to try and dry Mandi's tears. But he's also moving slowly enough for Mandi to tell him no if he doesn't want help.]
Just...just give me some time, okay, Lalli? [Because his emotions are really doing a number on him from those thoughts, wow!!] Just...give me some time....
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 09:25 pm (UTC)When we went on that field trip, we were put into fake lives and got fake memories to go with it. And there, we had been friends since we were babies.
The memories are faded now, but she never stopped being important to me. I'd do anything for her.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 09:27 pm (UTC)[I hate this place.]
I see. [His face is still just. Expressionless.] I understand.
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Date: 2021-07-25 09:33 pm (UTC)[Anger's normal, it ebbs and flows and someday it will die down so we can talk normally again.]
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Date: 2021-07-25 09:34 pm (UTC)[And his eyebrows furrow at the thought.]
...At this point, Lalli...I think I've had enough with giving people chances.
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Date: 2021-07-25 09:39 pm (UTC)Despite how violently the thoughts in his head react to that, Lalli just looks away and takes in a steadying break.]
...okay.
[He hates it, but he'll accept it.]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 09:43 pm (UTC)I don't think you're a bad person, Lalli. And I'm...really happy for you and Kon.
[He is, sincerely. He still is.]
But what you pulled yesterday was a dumbass move. And I hope you understand that. I get where it was coming from, but...the point stands.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 09:59 pm (UTC)[He kind of gets people feeling strong emotions at the moment, but Lalli is also one who, despite being prickly to strangers, doesn't genuinely hate anyone. And he doesn't understand why one bad weekend (from his point of view) would get this kind of a reaction. Especially if Mandi is saying he doesn't think Lalli is a bad person.]
But I was always told "you don't have to understand the 'why'. Just do it." So if it's what you're saying, I'll listen to you.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 10:04 pm (UTC)[He looks....so exhausted.]
...I just.......I'm tired of people walking all over me. I'm tired of people letting themselves be selfish. And that's...not a bad thing. But if they want what they want, and I don't agree with that, I'm tired of making excuses for them. I'm tired of pretending I'm not hurt.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 10:20 pm (UTC)[...]
Then be hurt. Say you're hurting. That's okay. It's not selfish to say that.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we ended up in a place where someone had to get hurt, and that I'm the one who made you hurt because of it. And I'm sorry that I can't understand you better than I do. That I can't always see you're hurting just by looking at you, and that sometimes you have to tell me for me to get it.
I just wanted-
[Stop. Let him be angry. It's his right.]
...
I'll leave you alone now.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 10:23 pm (UTC)[He just lets out a frustrated noise.]
It's not about you, Lalli! It's about me. It's just about me.
[He shakes his head.]
Imagine if...someone killed Kon. And then because you...felt like you had to, you just shoved everything back! You pretended it was okay! And people just let you feel that, because it was so nice for them not to have to acknowledge that. I was the one who didn't speak up! I was the one who failed myself....I did...
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 10:44 pm (UTC)It changed everything. But it was easier to pretend everything was okay than it was to try and communicate through a language barrier.
[He doesn't have to imagine a 'what if' situation here.]
You didn't fail yourself. You were hurting and did what you could to keep going, right? That's not failure, that's survival.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 10:56 pm (UTC)[So Lalli understands that...he gives him a sympathetic look.]
Survival can mean only so much when you're sabotaging yourself every day, Lalli. It feels like I've been cutting off pieces of myself just to make everyone happy.
[And he's done with that. He's become bitter. He doesn't want to be selfless anymore.]
People have their own loved ones. Their own worlds. I'm not going to sacrifice myself anymore just to see if I can be a part of that.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 11:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 11:18 pm (UTC)[Friends...]
[.....]
[He just starts. Crying. Sorry, Lalli.]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 11:31 pm (UTC)[He is internally panicking because he has absolutely no idea if he should step in to help Mandi or if this is one of those times he should walk away. His brain is saying "he already told you what to do" and his heart is saying "oh no my friend is crying I have to help".
He might regret it later but for now he's going to listen to his heart, and he pulls the sleeve of his shirt up over his thumb and steps in to try and dry Mandi's tears. But he's also moving slowly enough for Mandi to tell him no if he doesn't want help.]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 11:36 pm (UTC)[He just keeps shaking his head.]
[You don't need to waste your time on me. Please.]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 11:44 pm (UTC)And he's still standing there, wiping at the tears on Mandi's face.]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 11:56 pm (UTC)[He grits his teeth.]
Just...just give me some time, okay, Lalli? [Because his emotions are really doing a number on him from those thoughts, wow!!] Just...give me some time....
no subject
Date: 2021-07-26 12:40 am (UTC)[That's where he pulls away, because 'give me time' means space too in Lalli's mind.]
We have time.
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Date: 2021-07-27 12:01 am (UTC)[I keep hurting people, don't I?]
...Yeah. [And he's standing up, shaking his head. You're my friend.] Time. That's right.
[And he's walking away, bye!]